Saturday, November 26, 2011

A self-centered conundrum

Sometimes . . . like right now . . . I think I need to stop doing what I'm doing.

Yeah, I'm complaining of a sort. But, really, if I could pause everything -- stop everything right now and step out of it while, I think I would love it. I would like to be able to pause everything and catch up. I would like to be able to finish a task, and finish it well, before moving to another.

I love what I do, or at least I think I do. But I love to do what I do well, and I know that's not happening. I really dislike half-baked work that I am responsible for.

So, what do I do?

I cannot quit. I cannot let myself to that. Basically because if I quit, I would have no tasks to finish; they will all be given to others or left undone. All my tasks are work-related, and if I'm not employed, then I don't have these tasks.

I cannot give myself extra time; I have none. NONE.

I guess I could settle for less-than-well done. And this might have to happen.

I just know I need time and space.

If I had time and space, what would I do? Frankly, I'd try to finish my tasks before I enjoyed relaxation. And I don't think relaxation would ever come because I would never really "finish" a task. I would find just one more little thing to add or tweak to make that task "better."

There are no easy answers. And answers like "just say no" and "don't do it" are not acceptable nor realistic.

It's no answer but the realization is that I'm my own worst enemy.

And how does one overcome that?!

So what tasks are causing this conundrum?

scope-and-sequence work: directing, arranging, facilitating, writing

new history course work: outlining, making master (and student) note pages, developing tests for this year's two new courses

housework: trying to keep up with maintaining a clean and neat house without the aid of any help (because I've not been allowed to employ any)

meal preparation: keeping a menu, shopping for supplies, and cooking meals for two people, keeping the kitchen clean and neat

personal care: washing, folding, putting up clothes; personal hygiene care; exercise (which is not happening)

personal growth: reading, writing, thinking (the lack in these areas is, perhaps, felt the strongest)

How can I change any of this without stepping off the bandwagon? Is it possible?

1 comment:

Brenda@CoffeeTeaBooks said...

I have often told my daughter that I don't know how I used to work full time with a growing family and church activities.

I know God gives the grace but it was when that grace lifted, I knew it was time to make changes.

By grace lifting, I mean it became much more difficult and I later realized it was God's pressure of pushing (pulling?) me in another direction.

The first time I left corporate life and took a part-time job to help family budgeting. The second time I left working outside the home all together and homeschooled my son (working part-time when he was in the high school years).

Sometimes our frustrations or just that... being frustrated at the busy-ness of our work and life. Other times it is God's nudging that He has something else, other options we need to discover.

Praying this Christmas that you will know His perfect will. Gosh, it seems like yesterday you were praying about going back to work.

Time passes by so quickly.